wow.

Holy Crap. I just spent (way too much) time on Facebook looking around at who I know... Wow. I found old coworkers, old camp friends, old neighbors, kids I used to babysit for, college friends, high school friends, friends from church, old campers of mine from various camps I worked at... How fun, interesting and great. The internet is a wonderful thing!

HUGE step in the right direction... even though they are starting small Burger King is moving in the right direction.

Praying for Tony Snow...

End of March birthdays

The end of March has always been significant in my life as far as birthdays go. 2 of my best friends from high school... who were also bridesmaids in my wedding have end of March birthdays. In honor of them - both wonderful women who grow more amazing and beautiful as the years go by...

Happy 30th birthdays to...

Sarah Byrnes


and

Jeniffer Dake!

Why blog...?

So, unfortunately for him... our pastor last week talked about "two things that make (him) laugh" which were: Christmas letters and blogging - both of which he thinks are self-absorbed. Both of which I enjoy. Especially regarding blogging... I think there are SO many wonderful things about blogging. Of course, some of them have levels of self-absorption but overall there is so much more... I say unfortunately since he got so much flak over it, but he knew he would anyhow...

So I wrote up a list of my reasons and Abi also wrote a funny & thoughtful one.

I never condensed these into a nice little narrative as planned but here are a bunch of reasons I blog... Problem is I copied the wording of about 5 of these from a blog I found and I don't know where so I can't give credit.

I have met one of my closest friends through blogging. Yup that’s right. Thanks Barb :) for connecting me and Shelly :)

I blog because it makes me think… I blog to refine my thinking. I blog because I don't think I really understand something until I write about it…

I believe that in some ways spiritual formation is communal rather than individual… when I think and grow it adds to the community and spiritual formation.

Herman Melville put it best when he said, "We cannot live for ourselves alone. Our lives are connected by a thousand invisible threads, and along these sympathetic fibers, our actions run as causes and return to us as results."

I blog and read blogs because it challenges me – my thinking in many areas has been challenged and changed by blogs I read.

It encourages me… allows room for needed encouragement at times.

One big reason for me = keeping in touch with people…

Blogging gives me ability to be in contact more often and often on a deeper level…

Blogging for me gives me the ability to process / vent - I blog so that I will be able to externalize some troubling thoughts.

I find that it helps loneliness – and connects people – not feeling alone with struggles and thought when I come home late at night and feel disconnected and lonely.

To a lesser extent: I blog to make people think – challenge stigma that are out there… about mental illness and other things.

Blogging is a great way to encourage and celebrate people!

To develop relationships that can even turn into in person ones (Ask Niki)...

To have/give a sense of universality – hey I was thinking that, or I thought I was the only one

To share things – quotes with people...

Because we are created in the image of God – as creators.

People can choose to read rather than be forced (like in forwarded emails)

I blog mostly because insomnia is more entertaining at a keyboard.

I blog to be part of a community of people whom I respect; I want to understand their thinking... I blog to be part of the conversation.

almost done.

haven't ever seriously contemplated quitting my job.
definitely contemplating it now.
if I didn't have a mortgage... i might just be done right now.

Why do I do this job for crap money???

Here's my last two days at work:

Thursday -- 2 girls get in a fight in cottage while I am the only one there that can restrain (it takes 2 staff to do the CPI restraints we use.) I have to get physically involved anyhow top stop one girl from getting the crap beat out of her. Basically my first time physically managing a client. There until 4:10am doing the paperwork, notifications and IR's (incident reports). My back was/is hurting... an 18 hour day.

Friday -- one girl runs from work (really like this girl) We figure this out about 11:15 pm but manage to get out by 1:15 am with all done. This would be great except that I have to be back at 9am and can't sleep yet. A 12 hour day.

There are a couple of other things of really heavy, intense draining natures but those are not appropriate for public blogging... I am so tired.

Many, many things!

I have been thinking so many things lately... many muddled and I am trying to get clarity on them as far as God, the church, community etc.

Got the new Anne Lamott book tonight - YAY!!!!!!!!!!!! I totally heart her.

Really mixed feelings about work right now too. In some ways I love it and the girls and in some ways I have unbelievable amounts of frustration and could take it or leave it.

Shared a small, small bit about a painful area of my life growing up this week in Women's Bible Study. Censored here since it is so public. It's funny - I was able to share a certain amount about this relationship with them but not other parts of it. Parts that I thought I had done enough counseling on that I could talk about them without being phased -- but there was something there in the vulnerability and fear I felt. Like I wanted to say the rest... but I couldn't. Very weird.

2 big birthdays in my life this week -- Happy Birthday to Abby (our niece) and Mark's Dad!

Our cats heart the outdoors...

On Sunday it was 72 degrees and beautiful here so we took the cats out...

click on any of the pics for a hugemongous view. yup. made that word up.

Emily very happy...
Emily tearing up a tree...
Evan stalking some leaves that were blowing in the wind...
Baxter taking a rest since he tires easily... our diabetic cat :(
Baxter is definitely a Daddy's boy...
Poor Finn can't come out until 1. She's lived here longer (experts recommend 4 months for them to get their bearings) and 2. we cat proof the fence since we don't know if she'll take off...

Not to just keep putting up quotes... but they say so much...

Not Breaking the Bruised Reeds

Some of us tend to do away with things that are slightly damaged. Instead of repairing them we say: "Well, I don't have time to fix it, I might as well throw it in the garbage can and buy a new one." Often we also treat people this way. We say: "Well, he has a problem with drinking; well, she is quite depressed; well, they have mismanaged their business...we'd better not take the risk of working with them." When we dismiss people out of hand because of their apparent woundedness, we stunt their lives by ignoring their gifts, which are often buried in their wounds.

We all are bruised reeds, whether our bruises are visible or not. The compassionate life is the life in which we believe that strength is hidden in weakness and that true community is a fellowship of the weak.

In Love's service, only wounded soldiers can serve...

Here is one of my favorite and what I think is one of the most inspiring sections of "Abbas Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging" by Brennan Manning:

Thornton Wilder’s one act play “The Angel That Troubled the Waters,” based on John 5:1-4, dramatizes the power of the pool of Bethesda to heal whenever an angel stirred its waters. A physician comes periodically to the pool hoping to be the first in line and longing to be healed of his melancholy. The angel finally appears but blocks the physician just as he is ready to step into the water. The angel tells the physician to draw back, for this moment is not for him. The physician pleads for help in a broken voice, but the angel insists that healing is not intended for him.

The dialogue continues – and then comes the prophetic word from the angel: “Without your wounds where would your power be? It is your melancholy that makes your low voice tremble into the hearts of men and women. The very angels themselves cannot persuade the wretched and blundering children on earth as can one human being broken on the wheels of living. In Love’s service, only wounded soldiers can serve. Physician, draw back.”

Later, the man who did get to enter the pool first and was healed rejoices in his good fortune and turning to the physician says: "Please come with me. It is only an hour to my home. My son is lost in dark thoughts. I do not understand him and only you have ever lifted his mood. Only an hour... There is also my daughter: since her child died, she sits in the shadow. She will not listen to us but she will listen to you."

Some good new Postsecrets...

totally.

I'm not an addict, maybe that's a lie...

I love Postsecret!


Although right now I have another favorite:

A milestone for us.

I just mailed off the last check to the second PHP (partial hospitalization program) I did way back in 2001... not too recently we finished paying off the first PHP.

So, all of my mental health hospitalizations are paid off and if I am correct I just won a battle with the hospital from the van accident and don't owe them anything more.

Feels good. Tens of thousands of dollars... paid off. Of course since then we added grad school and a mortgage but it was the hospitalizations that brought me a lot of anger and guilt (for making Mark pay sooo much for stuff that was mine)... So it is a huge relief to have those medical bills in the past. yay.

From Barb's blog:

In Loving Memory of Laurie Boncimino

I guess I hoped the eloquent meaningful words would hit me when I posted today but really I have none. I am sad. Sad for Laurie and thinking of her whole process 2 years ago. Sad for Barb, Pete, Katie, Kristen, Chris, Greg... and that is just for the very immediate family. My sadness includes their spouses and children and Laurie's cousins, aunts, uncles... etc. etc. I decided if I try to include everyone I'll forget someone so I gave up there. Anyhow... and of course Scott and Laurie's many friends who desperately miss her...

sad.

i just wrote an email to my friend and said...
i guess sometimes you just don't know how sad you'll be...
and i really didn't know...

Missing the wonderful, beautiful, precious spirit of Laurie Boncimino.

Many ways to remember her today... hopefully I can find one or more self sacrificial and loving as Laurie was... watched the video of her pics... plan to read her thoughts... listened to her sing worship songs... maybe later to parts of her memorial service... or you can be stupid like me and retraumatize yourself like I just did by watching this news clip... satan sucks.

miss you laurie.